So, my younger brothers and I went to see ‘The Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies’ the other day. Having watched the other two Hobbit films, I wasn’t hoping for the LOTR-quality filmic experience, but I came out of the cinema very disappointed. I’ve been meaning to blog about it for a while, but my dear friend Kristin sent me a long category of her issues with the film and it’s dead-on. So, with Kristin’s permission, I’m posting that.
Warning: Some mild strong language and an awful lot of spoilers follow (though I have censored the stronger swear-words in case any of my students are reading this!).
“So I’ll start with what I remember off the top of my head. The whole fight with Smaug, whatever. No real complaints but I haven’t finished rereading the book yet and it’s been several years before since I read it last.
The White Council battle started out effing amazing with Galadriel being as much of a badass as you would ever think her…and then what the hell happened? Suddenly she “used up too much energy” and had to be rescued by the others and was your awfully typical damsel in distress. That was gross. Then out of the blue she has the vial and goes all Samara from The Ring. That is the part where I slid down in my chair. That was a travesty. I mean a TRAVESTY, and then they add that relationship [censored] on top of it between her and Gandalf which is even more ridiculous than the Kili/Tauriel crap (which I will get to).
Thorin was really in your face about his gold-lust thing, but I loved what they did with the elves. Armour looked good. Kristin approved. I thoroughly enjoyed all the added bits of humour, especially during the fight with Smaug when the Master and Alfred were trying to escape. I also liked Alfred’s humour relief in general, especially the coin boobs and the corset line. I still wish someone would have hit him like Gandalf finally did with Denethor.
Another [censored] stupid thing included were whatever the hell the stupid earth eaters were. It’s like someone was watching Tremors while they were designing the movie. Graboids don’t belong in Middle Earth. During the line “They don’t remember what lives under these mountains. They don’t remember the Earth Eaters” my friend leaned over and said “That’s funny, neither do I.”
Oh! Also, the nine rising up in front of Sauron was not only awful cinematic and artistic composition but it was cheesy and probably done with the worst CGI in the whole movie. Right next to Thorin swallowed into the golden floor. Whoever’s really horrible idea it was to cast Billy Connelly as Dain should have been reprimanded, fired, then reprimanded again. I had an issue with their use of Massive. The armies were far too uniform. The ones who of any of them should have moved the most together are the elves but even so you still have to have different reaction times, different ways of moving, and various ways of settling. None of that was there. It’s like they just copied and pasted one dude’s animation for the whole army any time they had to do long bird-eye shots or they were meant to be acting one right after the other. So that was bad.
Thranduil was love, but I want to beat in the head with a pool noodle whoever decided to kill the moose. How could they kill the moose?
They totally uprooted a major plot point from the Silmarillion and gave Thranduil the watered-down version of it. What? WHAT? WHY!? Still not at ALL happy about the elf/dwarf love relationship. Not only is it just wrong to Tolkien’s work but it also serves to undermine the relationship Gimli and Legolas form. At least they didn’t say “I love you.” I probably would have been on the floor if they did that.
Whose horribly STUPID IDEA WAS IT TO CROSS OVER THE QUEST FOR CAMELOT WITH A TROLL? This is why I never wanted Del Toro part of the movies. What [censored] kind of a troll has maces for arms and legs? It’s absurd!
Last thing that I remember off the top of my head bothering me was that Tauriel gets to be beastly and fight, and also gets the crap beat out of her, which is fine, but the dude straight up like breaks her arm and topples her over the side of some ruins and she’s clearly hurt, then five minutes later she’s up and kneeling over Kili with just some blood on her. That’s bull. Sure she’s an elf but she shouldn’t be able to even get up for several days. Then. THEN! Enter the freaking Moose king who for two movies told her she was a fool and that ten minutes ago she didn’t know what love is and what does he say? “It hurts because it was true.” That’s so much [censored]. You can’t change your mind that quickly just because the dwarf died, especially since it’s Thranduil we’re talking about. Why in all freaking Mordor would you bring up Legolas’s mother and not expand any further on it, especially when it has no consequence and I’m not sure she even exists in Tolkien’s writings, at least not that I have encountered. I’m not sure how I feel about Legolas being given the job to find Aragorn when it was Gandalf who did it, but at least it was in there.
The ending, though. That beautiful, pure, solid gold Peter Jackson ending. That is what all three of these films should have been like.
Ok, can’t remember much else.”
Another great review (with many spoilers!) can be found at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRs_d3VUjEg . Eomira is another dear friend, and whenever I need LOTR or Hobbit know-how, I go straight to these two lovely people.